***DISCLAIMER: This is
our story and only that. Every person has their own journey. Not only to adopt,
but all people have their own journey to build their families. Whether it is
infertility, adoption, over-fertility; we understand that it is an emotional
and hard journey. Many have it so, so much worse than us. The following is just
our account and how we have gotten to where we are today. ***
Like most little girls I had times that I would picture my
future family and plan what I thought I wanted out of life. I thought of the children
I would have, and even when I was young I imagined adopting children. Looking
back I don’t quite know what got this thought into my mind or quite understand
what gave me the desire to adopt. My only answer is that God was providing me
tender mercies and building blocks as a child to face challenges later as an
adult.
Fast-forward to when I was at college and I had started
dating James. My desire to adopt a child at some point in my life had only
grown. Luckily for me James had this same desire. He was adopted as a child, as
were his siblings. He had first-hand experience knowing the blessing adoption
could be in a child’s life and wanted to be able to provide that in his own
home.
Once we got married there was an understanding that we would
adopt one day, but the focus changed a little bit more to having biological
children first.
I mention this to point out again the mercies of God as he
prepared us for what came next.
A couple years into our marriage we started having the
feeling that maybe we could not have children ourselves. I can’t even explain
why. We just got this overwhelming feeling we might not be able to, and that we
should get checked out.
After some testing we got our results back. I remember
sitting on the couch with James right before we got the news. My heart was kind
of sinking. I somehow knew what was coming and what we were going to be told. I
was nervous. I was waiting for the emotion and the tears to come once we were
told. I was trying to comprehend what it would be like to hear the words that
we would never have our own biological children. Then the words came. The
results were in. We would not have our own biological children.
This moment was not what I expected it would be. We didn’t
cry or end up feeling sorrowful. There have been times since then that we have
felt small moments of sorrow of not being able to bring our own children into
the world, but then we remember back to that moment sitting on the couch. The
moment we were blessed through the power of God to not feel sorrow or pain, but
instead we were filled with relief and joy.
We felt relief in knowing for sure. We have known many couples
that have suffered through years of trying to get pregnant: years of spending
all their time, money, and emotions on trying to bring a child into this world.
For some it results in the joy of child and for others disappointment and
heartache. Our hearts go out to ALL who have faced this situation. It is a
trial I do not understand. We are very aware the blessing we received in not
having to face this burden.
We also felt great joy in that moment. Joy because we
already had an understanding that our family would be NO different than any
other family. Joy because we knew we would find a child we would love as much
as any biological children we could have had. And joy because we were going to
begin the journey to start our family.
Almost two weeks after receiving the news we turned in an
application to LDS Family Services and on our 2nd Anniversary we got news that
it had been accepted and we could begin the adoption process.
I have mentioned already that we had been prepared to adopt.
We were. We can’t deny that. God had set the stepping-stones for us. But, and
this is a big BUT. Nothing can prepare you for the process of adoption.
I assume it is like labor. I have heard a lot about labor
throughout my life. Studied it in school and talked to lots of people about it.
But there is no way for me to really know what it is like without going through
it. There are some experiences that no amount of knowledge can prepare you for.
This became evident very quickly for us as we began our adoption
journey.
THE BIGGEST, MOST
WORST TRIAL EVER; THE HOMESTUDY…
As my dad would say, this is obviously an exaggeration.
There are worse things I am sure. But sometimes it didn’t feel like it. I would
sit and play the game, “Would you rather”, and I would pretty much pick
anything over a home study.
Would you rather eat only broccoli for the rest of your life
or do a home study. Yep. Broccoli for sure. Would you rather have spiders
crawling all over you or complete a home study. Spiders all the way.
No it really isn’t that bad. But completing home studies for
us is one of the hardest parts about having to adopt.
It is very hard to stay positive about yourself while you are
completing a home study. Your life gets torn apart and there are people
crawling all over your business. Business you don’t really think they need to
know. Business you know they don’t need
to know.
You get asked what your father’s uncle’s bosses’ cat’s name
is and start wondering what on earth that has to do with me adopting a child.
(Once again, I realize I am exaggerating- but just barely.
They really do ask you EVERYTHING about ANYTHING).
It was hard to no start wondering what was wrong with us.
We all know that not everybody is cut out to be parents. You
see it all the time. People who don’t love their children, take care of them at
all, and sometimes even neglect and abuse them. Yet, James and I realized these
people could have children of their own free will. If someone like that can
have a child without someone combing through their life, then what is so wrong
with us that we have to be probed to allow a child in our home.
I could go on and on about this portion of our journey.
Really what matters though is that after being probed and prodded we were
deemed worthy to bring a child into our home and were approved to begin looking
for our baby.
ADVERTISING OURSELVES
OUT…
Once you are approved the next step is to build a profile. A
place where expectant parents can get to know you and sometimes even decide if
you are a good fit for them to place their child with. This is very similar to
online dating, but for a child not a spouse. One small blurb about your life to
pull someone in, make you seem interesting, and possibly even decide your
future.
This is the point you realize just how boring and
un-interesting you really are. The home study makes you wonder if you have to
anything offer, and the profile makes you realize you might not have anything
to offer.
Don’t worry. This is not a pity party. I am not someone who
really believes this. I realize this is not true at all. It just sometimes
feels that way in the process. I have learned that those are just feelings you
can get caught up in and not reality at all.
I have also learned that many struggle with these feelings while going
through the process.
You might think, we don’t look like Ken and Barbie, live in
the dream house, play sports, dress fancy, have lots of money, travel the world,
etc. (Not that there is anything wrong with any one of those things, this is
just what you start believing this is the life you need to be picked) But that
isn’t what matters. We thought that an expectant parent would only want that
for their child. It isn’t true.
These expectant parents love their child and want the best
home for them. And the thing is, the best home is different for every child.
Everyone lives differently and wants different things. That includes expectant
parents.
THE WAITING GAME…
So, we were finally approved and listed. You already feel
like you have been on an emotional roller coaster and in ways already feel too tired
to go on. But have really just begun the process.
This is an interesting part in the adoption journey. It can
been really fast, or drag out for years. And in that time you can go through so
many different feelings.
First and foremost is impatience. If we had been told up
front it will be ____ long until you have a contact, ____ long until you first
talk to your birth mother, and ____ long until you get a baby in your home, it
wouldn’t be as bad. The blanks might even be years away. You would wish it was
sooner, but at least you know. The unknown is always hard, and always seems to
cause a bit of impatience.
It is also weird because you know that even though it could
take years, and most likely will, you could also get a phone call at any second
and have a baby come into your home that day.
A second emotion it created for us was the issue of finding
balance. Finding the balance of how much work and thought we put into trying to
find a child each day, and on the other end trying to wait patiently each day for
our time to come.
Funny, the waiting part was much easier for us than we
thought it might be. Mainly because we would just go on with life as it was. We
wouldn’t put too much thought into adoption. Just stay in the present and enjoy
what we had. The flip side was us thinking about it a lot and trying to do
whatever we could to bring a child into our home. The problem was that then it
was on the forefront of our mind. We would be thinking about the fact that we
didn’t have a child and had no idea when or if we ever would. It isn’t fun to
think like that, and can cause lots of unneeded pain.
That is why finding balance is a problem. You have to have a little of both ways of
thinking. Finding the balance of waiting and enjoying, while also working to
make it happen without letting the emotions of either overrun you.
Sadly for us I think we were usually were thinking one or
the other. It was rare we could find the perfect balance.
One day we would be living life and enjoying not having kids
yet, then an expectant parent would contact us. We would instantly change to
the more obsessive side with every possibility running through our minds.
Then eventually the conversations with the expectant parents
would end and you would realize it wasn’t going to happen. And you would move
forward and start focusing on real life again.
A fragile system of back and forth.
(Side note: Sometimes this process drags out too because you
don’t always know that an expectant parent has moved on. You might get an email
from them asking more about you, and then just never hear anything again. It sometimes takes some time to realize you
will never hear back)
This leads us to a third emotion that no one can enjoy…
Rejection.
The feeling that comes when you open up yourself up to a
potential birth parent and they don’t pick you, or the feeling you get when it
has been months since you have heard from anyone at all and you start wondering
why they don’t even want to talk to you.
Although it was hard when we would be communicating with
someone and they would decide we weren’t their family. I could justify that in
my mind. We weren’t the right fit, she will probably parent the child herself,
etc.
But the rejection we would feel from no contact at all was
harder to deal with. We would begin
feeling that we aren’t even good enough to merit a conversation. And sometimes
when you go months or longer at a time it is hard to believe it will ever
happen.
MATCHING…
We were blessed a year into our journey to get contacted by
an expectant mother that seemed to be interested in us.
We did emails, phone calls, and were even asked us to go
meet her and her parents in California.
We were so excited and hopeful, but also so scared. We found
out that one other couple would also be making the visit and that she was
trying to decide between the two of us.
We made the journey to California and were able to meet with
them. This was such a good experience for us. We absolutely loved the expectant
mother and her family. We instantly felt a connection with each of them, and
felt that we couldn’t find a better situation if we tried.
After the meeting James and I headed straight to Washington
where my parents were living at the time. For a couple of days all we could do
was play everything over and over again in our mind. This made us just love
this family even more. And made us hope for a child more than we ever had up
until this point.
While we were still in Washington we got a text from the
expectant mother asking us if we come to California again to see her.
Instantly we knew this was good news. How could she ask us
to drive to California again if she was just going to turn us down?
The drive to California we were blessed with an incredible
peace and joy that this was the right situation for us. It scared us a little
because what if we felt this way and then showed up and we ended up wrong.
Maybe she wasn’t really picking us.
Luckily we didn’t have to find out what would happen if she
had shot us down. When we showed up she gave us a present. Literally. We opened
it and it had an ultrasound, some diapers, and some clothes. She had picked us
and in a few short weeks we would become parents.
When we got back to Utah we began to prepare. One of the
worries we had was if we could make it back to California before the sweet
little boy was born.
It is very nerve racking knowing that you are a couple of
states away and need to be ready at a moments notice get there and try to make
the birth of your baby. I lived with my phone attached to me. I think I looked
at it every three seconds at the longest.
The due date drew closer, but no baby still. We were so
anxious. It got to the point we could think of nothing else. So we decided to
head out to California and wait the time out there.
We were happy to get there early. We got to spend more time
with the amazing family we would soon be connected to, and we were much less
anxious being in the same state than we had been at home.
While we were at this family’s house one of the days, the
doorbell rang. Our expectant mother came back in after answering it with a
court document from the birth father wanting to claim custody.
This was a scary moment. We didn’t know what to think or
what to do. After a little while we headed back to our hotel so that the
expectant mother could figure out what all was going on.
This was a very long afternoon. We were sitting alone in a
hotel room worried and not knowing what all was really going on.
We got called by our caseworker and found out that birth
father decided that if the birth mother was going to adopt the child out he
wanted to get full custody. Our option was to get a lawyer and try to fight the
birthfather or go home empty-handed.
Although it wasn’t easy, we knew we couldn’t fight this
battle in court. And after praying we knew we needed to do everything we could
for this child to stay with his mother.
Saying goodbye to this family was a very painful experience
for us. It wasn’t even about the baby at this point. This family, this birth
mother; they were more than anyone could have ever asked for. We loved them. We
knew if we had adopted the baby we could have been connected to them for life.
We would have cherished that opportunity.
But we did it. We said goodbye and headed back to Utah empty
handed, but blessed.
We did not realize how blessed we were until we made it
home. Within an hour after of getting back to our home we received a text
message that the sweet little boy was born. It included a picture of him. While
looking at the picture of HER son, James and I were again filled with the peace
of God. This was not our child, but HERS. We knew that everything had turned
out how it needed to.
I don’t think I can fully explain what our emotions were at
this point. I can say that we knew it was right that we didn’t have the baby
boy. We had complete peace, and no doubts at all that he was with the right
family.
We did feel sadness that we didn’t have a baby. Not him,
just any baby. And we had some sadness for the loss of the family we would have
joined together with forever. To this day I love them with all my heart.
We were confused too. Why we had felt in the beginning so
strongly that this was our baby coming? How had we misread the situation?
It took us a while to sort out that we had never actually
had the feelings that he was our baby. As
we looked back, throughout the entire process with this expectant mother we had
felt peace with her, and with the situation. We hadn’t misread anything. We
needed this experience.
We learned so much, and grew so much through this
experience. It changed our hearts.
THE WAITING GAME,
AGAIN…
As we started the waiting game again one of the hardest
parts was convincing our families that we were okay after the failed
adoption.
And we were. We weren’t sad or discouraged even. But we were
tired. This process takes a lot out of you. It is very emotionally demanding
and after a while you can get burned out.
We played the waiting game for another year. During this
period we had many more situations come up than we had before. Sometimes it
would be just a few emails with an expectant mother; other times we would be
told on a Friday to get ready because we might need to fly out of state within
two days to pick up a baby, to then have them come back on Monday after
preparing all weekend, and tell us the mother went with another couple.
At this point we started feeling a little more impatience.
Wondering when our time might come, and how many more times we could be told no
before we couldn’t handle it anymore.
At the same time, we also felt much more hope after our
failed adoption. We realized someone could like us, and want to pick us. We had
also seen and felt the joy that was coming to us when we were placed with a
baby. This kept us going.
A NEW AGENCY…
Around this time we also faced some life changes. James
finished with his schooling and got a job. We felt that the increase in income
could allow us more opportunities to find a baby.
We decided that on top of LDS Family Services to begin
working with another adoption agency in the state as well. The reason we did
not do this upfront was the cost. All the agencies outside of LDS Family
Services were at least triple the cost for us.
We began the process with Heart to Heart Adoptions. I had a
sister that had adopted through them in the past, and they also were a little
more reasonably priced than some of the other agencies for us at that time.
Within one month we had 7 situations arise, but none of them
panned out. We didn’t mind though. We felt more invigorated, and felt with so
many situations coming up one of them would have to pan out. It was our time.
MATCHING, AGAIN…
At this time we had sent our profile to one more expectant
mother. We will just call her, V. It had been several days since we had heard
anything from the agency about her decision. I was sitting on the couch, on my
birthday, talking to James on the phone when I got an email from our
caseworker.
I didn’t think it would be good news. Bad news came in email
form. Good news comes with a phone call.
I opened it and figured I would read it to James…
“First of all, please accept my apology for contacting you
via email regarding this, but… I wanted to let you know as soon as I could that
V has chosen you and your husband as her adoptive family….”
We were in awe. Really we didn’t totally believe it. No,
really. We had to talk to the agency before we believed it was real.
We were so excited. What greater birthday gift could I ask
for?
The little boy we were matched with was due a little more
than two months later. The expectant mother, V, was from Mississippi but was
living in Utah at the time so we would be able to meet her.
For as much excitement and joy as we had, we also had a lot
of fear. Fear that we would spend the next two months getting ready, getting
attached, and then having it fall apart again.
No adoption is ever guaranteed. An expectant mother still
has her choice to change her mind after she has picked you, and up until 24
hours after birth when she has signed relinquishment papers. (That is in Utah.
In some states, it is even longer.)
We truly believe this should be the case. It should be their
choice. It is their child. I want every expectant parent to have this right.
Mother or Father. Although I believe that the birth mother should have her
choice in all matters, and I want her to, it does not help the anxiety and fear
as an adoptive parent.
It was an exciting two months. We were able to meet with the
expectant mother a few times and spend a little time with her. She also had
another child with her that she was parenting. We could look at him (the cutest
little boy ever) and imagine what our son would look and be like.
We also got to endure the exciting nights when we would get
a text from our caseworker at midnight telling us that V was headed into the
hospital with contractions and to get ready to head to the hospital if we were
needed, but to hang tight until we hear for sure. We would wait, impatiently,
with our version of a hospital bag for several hours before hearing that it was
a false alarm. Then we would try for a little sleep before heading to work.
After going through this a few times, and passing the due
date, we approached the day set aside for V to be induced.
We were to be to the hospital at 9 am. The plan was once V
was close to delivering we would head into the room to be there for the actual
delivery of our son.
THE HOSPITAL…
We woke up very early that morning and poor James was
feeling sick. We went to the hospital; he put on a mask, laid down on a bench,
and fell asleep. I tried to patiently wait until we would be called back into
the room.
A couple of hours later V’s caseworker came out and told us
she was getting closer and to get ready to come back. She would come get us
soon.
A little while later she came out and told us our little boy
was already here!
Because of some complications in the delivery they did not
have us come back into the room, but V and the little boy were doing good now.
Then as he was being wheeled to the nursery we got to meet
our little boy for the first time and see his cute, squished, adorable little
face.
We were able to watch him in the nursery, but did not get to
hold him for the first time for several hours.
At the 24-hour mark we were greatly blessed to be able to
sign the papers and adopt our son.
The hospital experience is an emotional and complicated
time. This is one of those experiences that no matter how much you explain it
to someone, unless you experience it yourself, you may never fully understand.
You have so many conflicting emotions you don’t believe it
could be possible. It is as bittersweet as it comes.
You want to shout from the rooftops the joy that you FINALLY
have a child, a little baby to be a part of your family. You want to hold and
love him, and enjoy the experience as much as possible. But, with all this joy
is a lot of sadness. Seeing the pain in the birth mother’s eyes as she spends
her limited time with the child. Knowing that there is more pain inside of her
than you could ever imagine. You even feel guilt. Guilt because you feel joy
while she feels pain, and you feel responsible for her pain; and guilt because
even though you love her more than anything and want her to have as much time
with baby as possible, you selfishly want that time too.
This paragraph does nothing to explain the emotions you face
in the hospital, signing the papers, and heading home with an adopted child.
Words are not enough to fully express the situation.
The one thing that I can say for certain is that we came
home as a family with a beautiful baby boy.
NOT QUITE DONE YET…
In Utah the law is that you cannot legally finalize the
adoption for 6 months.
We waited our 6 months. We completed mandatory post-placement
visits to make sure we were still good enough to parent this child. (Luckily,
we were!) And we loved and enjoyed our time with our new son.
Finally the day came when we were able to go to the
courtroom and make everything final and legal.
I did not realize that until this day, I still carried so
much fear. Even though the birth mother had signed the papers. Our visits with
the caseworker went well. Something inside of me built a wall and held on to
fear that our son would be taken away from us. You hear horror stories on the
news.
In the days and weeks that followed I began to uncoil. Years
worth of stress that had built up, the rejections, the fears, the sorrows, the
impatience, the anxieties; it all finally began to fade away.
A FOUR-YEAR JOURNEY…
This week our son turned 2 years old, and we are in the
middle of the whole process again to adopt another child.
Adoption is a crazy journey. It is a constant adventure. It
isn’t always fun, but it is definitely worth it.
I wouldn’t change one second of our past few years. It
brought our family to where we are today.
I would even endure HUNDREDS of home studies if it meant I
could have my son or another child.
Because, like Michael J. Fox said, “Family is not an
important thing, it is EVERYTHING”
And my family is EVERYTHING to me.
