Questions we get a lot

·      Can I love my adoptive child as much as I could have loved a biological child?

I start with this question because I am in awe at how many people have asked this and wonder about this. But to me it is not even a question at all. Yes, yes, and yes. Of course I can love my adoptive child the same as a biological child.

A mother’s love is full no matter the situation of her child. I think this goes for birth mothers as well. They love the child they place in another person’s home as much as a child they might keep in their own home.

I like to explain it like this. I love my husband. I love him as much as my family, and anyone. I am not blood related to him. But the love is still there.  

·      What is the hardest part of adoption for me?

There are two parts of adoption that seem to be the hardest for us.

First is the home study. I don’t know how anyone could enjoy that part. It is long, involved, and frankly there isn’t much fun about doing them. I could write pages and pages of things that we don’t enjoy about a home study.

Second is finding balance during the adoption process. You have to find a balance between being okay with your life as it is and keeping the adoption on the forefront of your mind daily. You could get a call and within hours be parents or it could be years. When you are working daily to try and make it happen. You long for a child. You notice everyone else around you having children. It is hard and not necessarily healthy to live like that all the time. But you can’t just move on in life. Adopting a child takes a lot of work and putting your heart out there. For us it is hard to find that balance between the two.

·      Is it hard to not know all of the aspects of our child’s family history?

This is one of the hard aspects of adoption. We were aware going into adoption the problems that can arise from not really knowing much about a child’s family history because James has faced this himself. (He was adopted as well).  Mainly we want to know as much of the child’s family history for medical reasons. To know what conditions might run in the family, health problems that could appear in the future, and if a health problem they are facing is genetic.

I have also seen situations as well when an adoptive child struggles not knowing who their birth family is, and where they came from. We have not had to deal with this. James never worried too much about this growing up, and our son isn’t old enough to face it. I realize though that in the future we could have children worry and wonder about this, and then we will have to figure out best how to address this.

·      Is adoption really as expensive as people make it out to be?

This is a pretty simple question. Yes! Adoption is an expensive endeavor. There are very rare cases that you find a private adoption without too many additional fees that wouldn’t cost you too much. But most adoptions are a pretty hefty monetary sacrifice. You pay home study fees, agency or placement fees, medical bills for the birth mother and child (that insurances normally will not cover), birth parent expenses, post placement fees, legal fees, etc. Although I feel every cent I pay is worth it, and I would never second guess paying it, the cost is pretty overwhelming up front.

·      How do we feel about being asked sensitive questions?

For the most part James and I are pretty good with any question we might be asked, and we don’t usually get awkward or offended.

We will be mostly open about to any question we might be asked. If we don’t want to answer, we won’t (an example would be about the cost we paid for our son).

There are a lot of sensitive questions involved with adoption. For James and I there is only one that we feel might be a little too sensitive to ask questions about…

·      Is it okay to ask which partner cannot have children?

This is a question we are asked more than I would expect.  And there are even more times when I can tell people really want to know, but don’t dare ask.

This is a question we don’t answer that often. It is not that we are ashamed, or even feel too much emotion about it personally. But we feel this is a very sensitive subject for many people.

I know many people that struggle with infertility. Many of these people suffer with embarrassment, guilt, shame and/or extreme sorrow by being infertile. Especially if only one person in a couple is facing the infertility. I do not feel anyone SHOULD feel any of these things. But they are true unavoidable emotions. They are not emotions that are a one-time thing. A person might feel in control of these emotions and then any little thing might trigger the emotions to come back.

I personally feel that asking an individual or couple who is “responsible”, or which one is the cause might be a trigger for an emotional outbreak.

My recommendation is that unless someone brings it up first, or unless you have an intimate knowledge of infertility yourself, to not broach this particular facet of infertility.

***I have to add though that I do not believe infertility, as a whole, should be a taboo subject. Sometimes I think we do make too big of a deal of it, which can cause a very negative outlook and feeling towards infertility. If we could talk more openly about infertility as a whole in a positive way, maybe individuals facing it could feel a little less alone, and less guilt about their infertility. ***

·      How do our families feel about us adopting?

Our families are beyond supportive of us adopting and of adoption in general. Luckily for us, adoption isn’t a new thing for our families. James and all of his siblings were adopted and I have a sister that has adopted a child.

Our families were supportive of us through the whole adoption process and are very supportive of our son now. He is treated no different than any other grandchild or member of our families.

·      How long does it take to adopt?

We don’t really have an answer to this question. It varies by person and by situation. We initially began with LDS Family Services (an adoption agency). We were with them for less than two years. We had only a few contacts and one failed adoption in that timeframe. We decided to start with a second agency (Heart to Heart Adoptions) a couple of months before the two-year mark of beginning the process. In less than one month with Heart to Heart, we were matched with our Birth Mother, and our son was born two years to the week of when we began the whole process.

 We began the process to adopt a second child this past February, and are still waiting. We are hoping for a Private Adoption (vs. an Agency Adoption) this time around, which could take even longer.

I have seen people who get a child within weeks of beginning the process and some who have taken several years before they were blessed with a child.

·      How do we feel about open adoption? Do we have an open adoption?

I believe that open adoption can be a very good and beneficial thing for both an adoptive child and for a birth parent. Except for rare circumstances, I believe an open adoption is very healthy for all parties.

We have a semi-open relationship with our son’s birth mother (we do not know the birth father of our son). We give her updates through letters and packages. There is a possibility of visits as well.  We would not mind a more open relationship either. Since our son is a different race than us, we would love for him to have ties to his culture and background.

Unless an open adoption would be hard on the child, or harmful to them in any way, we would always opt for an open adoption. We realize there are circumstances that it wouldn’t work. But overall, open adoption is a fantastic route to go.

·      Does James have a relationship with his Birth Parents?

James has an open relationship with his birth mother. We do not know who his birth father is either. James grew up always knowing he was adopted, but did not meet his birth mother until he was 18. Since then the relationship has been able to grow through visits, phone calls, emails, and even a trip to Disneyland with her.

·      How do I feel when people call me an Adoptive Mother, not just mother?

I have no problem at all being called an Adoptive Mom. I am! Putting adoptive in front of it doesn’t change the meaning of mom. And I feel that if we use the “birth” in front of Birth Mom, then I shouldn’t be offended by the “adoptive” in front of Adoptive Mom.

·      What are my feelings about Birth Mothers?

I love, respect, and admire Birth Mothers. I cannot say enough good things about them. These women love so much. They provide an opportunity for people like me to have a family. They sacrifice so much to put their child in a good situation.

My heart also hurts for Birth Mothers. I cannot personally understand the pain and sorrow that they go through. Not just at the time of placement, but throughout their lives.

They hold the highest place of honor in my eyes.

This all goes for Birth Fathers as well. I realize they tend to be forgotten about because they are not always present. But there are many who are involved, who love and sacrifice just as much.

·      Advice we have for people who are trying to adopt?

It is always nice to talk to others that are in the same situation. It is good when you are going through a hard process to know that you are not alone and have support. But you have to keep in mind that every situation is different. All couples face a different adoption journey. 

Then there are three things that we were advised over and over again. Be patient, don’t get discouraged, and keep your relationship as a couple strong. These are hard to do during the adoption process. It is so much easier said than done. But it is really important to at least try to maintain them.

Lastly there is no way to prepare for the journey you have to take. It most likely will not be easy. Once you get a baby all the stresses of adoption don’t go away either. But as the saying goes. It will all be worth it. Having a family is the most amazing thing you can ask for, and worth the work it takes to get there. 

·      Advice we have for potential Birth Parents?

I cannot understand how hard a decision it is for an expectant parent to decide to place a child for adoption. There are many factors that can influence this decision. My hope would be that you could make the decision for you and the child and not for anyone else. Not for your family. Not for an adoptive family. It doesn’t matter if you decide to parent or to place the child. Do what you feel is right, and not what everyone else feels.

One of the other worries I have heard from potential Birth Parents is their concern the family they pick will not follow through on promises once the baby is placed with them. An example is the level of openness you might want after the child is born. In this situation one thing I would recommend is picking someone that has already adopted and you can see they have followed through.  

·      Advice we have for those who might not understand adoption quite as much?

Sometimes there seems to be a negative perception of adoption and especially of birth parents. I want more than anything for people to see past that. I want them to understand the true meaning of a Birth Mother. She is not someone who is living a bad life, and doesn’t want the child so she “gives it up”. She loves and sacrifices more than any of us can realize. I believe that Birth Mothers are heroes and that they have a strength many of us could never have. I could not do what they do. I know they love and think of that child daily. But they sacrifice so that the child has the life that they feel is best for that child.

And I want everyone to have a greater understanding that they shouldn’t feel sorry for an adoptive child. They should be happy for them. Maybe even a little jealous that they get to have such a large family network that loves them.

Lastly, know that we are just the same as you. We are a normal family with ups and downs, and are full of love that is no different than anyone else’s.

·      What are some things not to say to someone who adopted or who were adopted?

Not everyone will get hurt or bothered by these questions. But in some cases it can hurt the person you say it to.

“Now that you adopted you will get pregnant.” This is very easy to say to someone because it does happen. I personally have seen it happen several times.  But it isn’t always the case. Some people will really never be able to conceive. And for those people it can be a painful reminder of their inability and struggles to conceive.  

Don’t ask each time you talk to someone about their adoption process, “Have you heard anything yet? Any bites yet?” This is similar to asking someone trying to conceive if they are pregnant yet. This only reminds someone that they haven’t heard from an expectant parent or matched yet. Sometimes couples might not want to share with people they have matched yet either because of fear that the situation might fall through.

Never say that if your child is bad you can just send them back since they are adopted. That’s just not how it works.

Never tell someone that has adopted a child that they are not your “real” child.  Especially never say this in front of someone that has been adopted. I’ve personally seen this happen before and the pain and confusion that came from it was heartbreaking, especially because it was unwarranted. All children are real children.

Feel free to ask us any other questions you might have. Come back tomorrow for a detailed write up of our adoption journey to this point.